Things were not working out in my favor this month. Even journaling here, it pains me to write because I’m going back to my notes for this month and seeing all I journaled and it’s a lot to deal with mentally. It’s the burden I carried on my own with very little feedback, challenging and hopeless.
I was raised not to be dismissive and be mindful that other people are going through a lot in silence and not be rude – be respectful. It took a lot out of me not go to go to a place of just mouthing off and saying, “I’ve had enough. ” What about what I’m going through? Don’t you see I’m overwhelmed, stressed out and I’m speaking up for myself and no one said let me jump in and help. The person that did ask to help, didn’t. LOL! It’s laughable now that I should’ve known better, but at the time I was in a state of despair.
My emotional state throughout the month was of anger, stuck and overwhelmed. I gave up my energy and I wanted to give up and call it quits at work. This job has taken a lot from me. My personal time, energy and thoughts. The work kept piling up and no end in sight. No one cared to take notice because it would mean they had the obligation to assist. Even though I spoke up I was ignored.
My light was dim and it almost went out. But I don’t know what came over me yesterday, May 27th, 2022. I got up, went to work. I showed up for myself, spoke up, worked through the challenges including tasks that were not mine because the co-worker was on vacation. I was running high on coffee. Two journal entries for the co-worker became six journal entries and my own went from five to roughly twelve. The macros in the excel sheet didn’t work and I manually entered one journal entry and the other will be left for another day.
I recall mentioning, “Bring it on because I’m in the flow right now.” I continued to work through the challenges, and it felt like the work just kept coming. I did everything I could and at the end of the day, 4pm I did it. I came out on top despite the stress and being overwhelmed. I still have a lot to clean up and work to complete this Memorial Day weekend instead of enjoying it. I’m ready to walk in on Tuesday morning and doing it all over again. Something became clear though…to be continued.