YoungHeart1980!

I hope everyone is doing okay.

I’m overwhelmed – I cannot concentrate on anything else because I’m mentally focused on my health. I feel like I’m failing myself. I have been back and forth with the cardiologist who keeps testing, finding nothing and forcing me to drive for absolute nonsense. I ask for an explanation of what does “not normal” mean over the phone and forced me to drive 30 miles just so he could show me a heart palpitation just right below my heart beat on the EKG. “Well, it’s not dangerous, it’s not common in women, but we need to do another test.” I was so upset my mind thought to push him out the window of the 18th floor, but then I wouldn’t get cleared, wasn’t worth it. He probably just wanted to bill more hours to my insurance.

I am stressed out, probably going to be fired because I haven’t been able to concentrate at work. Despite seeing so many doctors, poked by so many needles and iron infusions I am still not cleared to get on the surgery table on Monday. I’m frustrated and can’t heal from all these doctors visits. My birthday is tomorrow and I’m spending the whole day going from doctor to doctor, again! I’ve been through so much hurt and pain, struggled to get to a comfortable spot with no helping hand. I earned everything I have, found peace in my early 30’s and have a great life. I thought my only challenge this year was my job. On my birthday eve I sit here contemplating what steps to take or a back up plan, but it’s all out of my control. I am now re-evaluating what is important. I feel tested by life – to do or change what?

I want to enjoy my life, breath and be happy long enough to see my son grow up and be a good man. I did learn who I can count on, that I can be weak with, I am not alone. I am no longer walking this path alone thanks to God and giving me two most important men in my life. All the Best!